Faders of Life (a study of priorities)

December 7, 2011

Bedtime Books 2
I have that old children’s  “There were 10 in the bed” song stuck in my head.

“I’m crowded… roll over…”

Perhaps I have been spending too much time with a two year old. Perhaps I have been spending too much time doing a plethora of projects and my mind is constantly spinning on one thing or another.

As the year is winding down it seems like everyone is making lists. Tis the season for stocking up and taking stock of life and other matters.

I returned then to my own list of threats and promises. And the big blipping neon flashing standout is my reading (Resolution #2).  I am nowhere near my goal of a book a week. Utter, complete fail.

FAIL

So they all rolled over and one fell out…

Yes, I have been doing a great deal more non-fiction reading. Almost all of it, however, is online. I’ve had the same stack of books at my bedside for months and have only just barely started the one on top. I didn’t do what I set out to do.

I don’t get to put a pretty checkmark on this one. I don’t buy myself a beer for a job well done.

It is a failure. As such, it something I’ve avoided looking at it for a while. I mean, I’ve known for like 3 months that I wasn’t on track and I’ve just buried my unease with that glaring “really should do” and sidetracked to something else.

There are a number of lessons I’m learning from this one disappointment. I’m reassessing my goals and agenda setting and I’m ruminating on the idea of task-mastering a previously joy. For the moment, though, the question is: Ought I fixate on the one thing that fell off?

There were 9 in the bed and the little one said “I’m crowded…”

I’m finishing the semester strong despite taking a more than average course load. I’ve done well by my niece (my 9-5 “job”): she grows, learns, jokes and laughs daily — and I’ve succeeding for the most part in doing so right along with her. I landed an internship overseas and started mentally and physically preparing to be abroad for a year. I’ve kept up with my posting and made progress on this blog-life. I trained for an finished my first metric century ride and tredecem. I’ve volunteered, kickstarted campaigns, helped others write pitches, kiva loaned, proofread scripts and built websites. I’ve worked freelance TV gigs to pay the bills with kudos and call backs. I’ve written.

That is indeed a pretty crowded bed. Maybe I’m a multipotentialite after all.

So they all rolled over and one fell out… so what?!

Now to completely mix my metaphors: Video nerd that I am, I’ve been thinking about my life as a huge audio board.

Logitek Pilot Faders

Each slider, with its range of amplitude, is an intention requiring attention.

If you have ever watched a mix playback through a board the sliders move up and down automatically based on the adjustments made in the timeline. Various channels slide up to prominence and then fade down to background when something else needs to be heard. It is a lovely dance of movement and priority.

The blistering cacophony of all of those streams turned up to 11 at one time would blow out the system.

Just like a soundtrack, a life isn’t that pretty when everything is peaking at once.

There are some streams that have to be turned down or shut off. If you have a full board, you can have your louder times and your quieter times but even when things are at full fevered pitch, you still can’t get absolutely everything in mix.

Have I stretched this one enough?

The point is: I’m giving myself a pass on this one. Reading 52 books before next June is at a 0 — it has been for a while.

Maybe – likely – I will try again but for now the objective isn’t adding anything positive to my life. I have looked at the loss of priority. I’ve diagnosed the reasons for it. Now I am making my peace with taking that “challenge” — the resolution and the mind share that goes along with it — off the list.

I want to soften that and explain how “reading and finishing books: will still have place in my life — for of course it will — but instead I’m encouraging myself to just let it go.

I don’t need to continue to feel the pressing presence of that goose-egg of a slider as a failure.  I’m banishing it from my board and moving on to things that are more valuable to me.

Can't Fail Cafe, Emeryville, CA, 9:30 pm

“There were enough on the board and the little one said…”

I’m actively content.

Images via flikr under CC license by coffeebooksbeer, laffy4k (Logitek Pilot Faders),  stringbot (FAIL) and 305 Seahill (Can’t Fail Cafe, Emeryville, CA, 9:30 pm)

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Sad Audit

November 30, 2011

Math

“It really shouldn’t be this hard to find smiling faces.”

I worked a freelance corporate project a few weeks ago, using some of my “old” skills as a TV editor. I loved the travel and it was a rather lucrative gig for me. 

The client has apparently enjoyed similarly lucrative work recently. The event was in an absolutely gorgeous location, super swank, and was all-expense paid for attendees (the employee and their partner). Idyllic really.

 Editor's View

Except for one thing. I had trouble finding happy faces for a happy-face wrap-up video. 

This is why I both love and hate my job as an editor.

Love: Seeing, as a fly on the wall, how other people live and operate— when they know they are being observed and when they don’t. I’ve learned a a great deal from the comfort of my edit chair about human interaction, what others are working on, learning, doing and about life in general. Not groundbreaking that this is how TV works but in production you get to see it all. 

Hate: When I watch something so profoundly frustrating… and then have to work with that material for hours on end.

This by no means was as emotionally hard as working on a doc-reality show about young adult addiction. Nor, for different reasons, as bad as slaving on something so utterly not my style that I wanted to quit about once a minute, every day (like the time I spent 3 weeks and 20 distinct versions on a Justin Beiber pilotish test tape).

This project was difficult because it was crystalizingly, almost beautifully, sad.

Here were these people at the height of their careers, at the top of the top of a multinational corporation, all on an amazing vacation (with a few meetings between golf) and 90% were quite obviously unhappy.

IMG_5947

Perhaps I am more attune to this particular phenomena because of my personal history with this field but I was not the only member of the crew to notice. The quotation above is direct from the cameraman’s mouth.

The first day I sifted through registration footage where the attendees and their partners cued up and ignored each other, and staff beamed at non-reciprocating faces. I felt compelled to text my Ex. This is THE X. Of life-status-change import but also my X who went through college and Grad school to join this profession. 

The X who hated just about every minute grinding through 5 years of school to study this profession. He was on the path, you see,  following the “sure thing.” He thought that somehow it would be different in practice.

It wasn’t. 

He was miserable and we were miserable together. He actually made me promise him that if he was still in that line of work, “on the track” still in 10 years, I would leave him. Um, hi, if you are looking for a sign that you are unhappy maybe that is a good one.

After 9 long, difficult months, and with a great deal of pushing by Gutsy-Emotional-Me, Thinking-He took a chance and switched careers. 

We stuck through for quite a bit longer before finally deciding to separate but that is another story for another day. The upshot is that we are still in touch (thank you counseling and determination) so I sent him a many-years-later kudos for getting out of something that was quietly but concretely bleeding his soul.

Seeing the effects of that road-so-much-more-traveled writ large on every face, made me appreciate anew what a difference that decision made for him. Granted, he is now in computers and certainly has his days of server crashes, personal issues and other untold dramas. But on any given day I know he is happier than he ever was in those months of working and years of study in the wrong field. 

I, or any stranger, can see it on his face. 

I couldn’t say anything to the corporate types on the other side of the fourth wall so I’m saying it here now: 

Life is too blippin short for you to be miserable. And when you are, it shows.

Valuing yourself enough to find your bliss is hard. Figuring out what you want and what will make you happy is hard. Taking leaps, even from the midst of soul-sucking hell, is hard. Keeping your right course in the face of uncertainty and adversity is really hard.

Staying with the safe sure thing might be easier but it will make you hard.

You and I may never meet but don’t wish that for you. 

Do the hard thing before it makes you hard!

I hope that if a camera caught you unawares today, an editor would have no trouble finding smiles that reached your eyes.

happy_fisherman

Photos via Flickr, Creative Commons Licence: Beau Maes (Math), Jack Zalium (IMG_5947), xmatt (Happy Fisherman)

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Half Complete

November 16, 2011

FinishLine

This past weekend, in 60 hours, I drove 16 so that I could run for 2.

I completed my first 13.1-mile race.

I’m still processing that. I’ve worked towards this goal for over a year and finally realized it.

And like much that is going on in my life right now, the people who supposedly love and know me best don’t seem to appreciate how much it means to me.

Yes, I got some very nice kudos on FB which mean a lot to me (thank you friends). Yet, despite talking about the race for weeks (the distance, my disappointment at missing my intended race two weeks ago and switching to this one, working up my endurance, carboloading, etc.), I had this quite telling conversation:

“Congrats on your race… yeah… I didn’t realize it was a half-marathon.”
<choke back flippant retort>
Me: “Thanks. Yeah. 13.1 miles.”
“Was it hard?”
(?!)
“Yes.”
“Does it make you consider running a full marathon?”
(???!!!#$%&@#$!!!)
“No.” <bite tongue hard> “I really don’t have the time or inclination right now to train for that distance.”
(/communication)

Here is my big accomplishment — a year in the making — and I am: Stung. Hurt. Devalued. Insulted.

There are two takeaways:

1. A “Half-Marathon” needs a new name. It is 13.1 miles of running. It is fully, completely, absolutely hard.

Somewhat prepared for this by the questions by friends, relatives and relative strangers alike over the last months of training I decided to do something about that.

I give you: tredecem.

I’ll be writing more on this but you heard it here first folks.

2. Your goals are profoundly personal. Only you can fully appreciate them. So do just that.

Call it what you will, I finished something really challenging for me.

GA_11_13_11Sunset

I had 457 miles of back roads, fall leaves, cotton fields and the most beautiful sunset I have seen in quite a while to think about that… and I’m still internalizing and trying to fully appreciate what it means to me.

I am committing to belly-button-gazing on that a while longer because it is a much better use of time and energy then my usual constant internal barrage of “should” and “need to” dos. (I wish I had been faster, less droopy in miles 10 and 11, beat my goal-goal time and not just my goal time, finished stronger…etc.) I’m wishing away my achievement and all the while I’m doing myself an incredible injustice.

There are enough people who will try, unintentionally or not, to undervalue and depreciate your successes. You and I shouldn’t do it to ourselves.

When you accomplish something important, don’t give anyone the power to lessen it, cheapen it, or try to take it away. “Anyone” includes you.

Remember one thing: I completed what I set out to do.

I’m still working on this. I’m trying to remind myself that I have control over how much or little I let the behavior of others effect me. I’m trying to fully honor my accomplishments.

As a step in that ongoing process: without apology, qualification, deprecation or (much) embarrassment I say: I finished my first tredecem.

FirstTredecemIt was difficult and I did it.

Yay me.

 

    



 








What are you proud of completing? Affirm it for yourself here (and let me give you some kudos too). It can be recent or just something that you’d like to remember in this space to self-congratulate. You deserve it.

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All you need: Strength and Health

November 2, 2011

sunrise over oto

Running on adrenaline and 3 hours of sleep, I slide into the black SUV to head to the airport. With every cell of my uncaffinated system I am willing the first sips of hotel coffee to give up the goods into my bloodstream. I am fixated on making it through TSA so I can purchase some decent coffee and zone-out before my 6:30am flight.

This is not usually a moment where I am at all desirous of conversation. I am, however, more uncomfortable being driven around places in the back of car as if I’m somebody who is important enough to do such things.

In a cab (which is what I wanted but the hotel called the service instead) I can almost make my peace with riding in silence. But using a car service and not even attempting to chat with the driver goes against my genes. The length and depth of the conversation is up to them.

Like so many times before I’m so very glad I have such a visceral (and yes, classist) reaction. All it takes is a rather wan smile and a few pleasantries and Andrew and I are in a rich conversation. He is happy and it is infectious even at 5am.

Jolting Talk

Forget coffee, give me a chat with a content soul any day to start the morning off right — Ok, maybe I was a touch hasty there. Caffeine and good conversation. Luckily it is rarely an either-or proposition.

This morning, my jolt comes from Barbados with beautiful dark skin and a breezy, warm accent. Andrew freely admits to doing what he loves. “Give me the road” he says.

He has a plan. He owns property in a few places but is happiest in the Sunshine State. Although it is still a little cold at times in Florida (which I ribbed him about) so eventually he will go back to the islands.

He tells stories about driving all over southern FL, down the Keys to the opposite coast, and that “one time I picked up a guy at the Atlanta Airport because all the flights were delayed.” Yes, he drove to GA and back for one stranded client. “Not all fares are that good,” he says with a sheepish grin.

He also likes to shuttle snowbirds’ cars down and back from points North. He drives a high-class clientele who obviously trust him, and I would to.

He thought about going to school for a while to “better himself” but decided that wasn’t a wise decision. “Especially with the economy. I just surround myself with the right kind of people instead.”

“Plan for the future but live happily today,” he says and he is obviously doing both. I am completely awed by him, an average working dude, who has found his place in the world — in a job most of us probably don’t think of as a “career” — and he is content and happy.

And then, starting the circuit around the airport, sliding into the “departures” lane my new yogi Andrew lays the most priceless gem at my feet: “strength and health are all I wish for every day.”

He went on to chuckle “The Money Ball always looks nice but having the strength to work towards my goals and good health to be able… those are better.”

Damn. Dude really does have it figure out.

Strength and Health.

I murmured some agreement but what else is there really to say to that? in my heart I was sending a little-big thank you out to the universe, for that day I had those two things. I’ve had those two things for most of my life.

What more is needed?

Upon later reflection the best part about the gut-check reminder was realizing how self-determinative those two things are. Sure you can be dealt a crappy genetic code but if you chose to find-create-give yourself health and strength, everything else will find its way.

Contented happiness is right there, you just need those two things.

Thanks Andrew for making it so simple.

Wishing you all health and strength this day.

(Oh, and if you need a driver in the Palm Beach area reach out, I know a great guy.)

Image: “sunrise over oto” by By Michal Hrabovec via Flickr CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
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Faking Confidence

October 19, 2011

I’m currently traveling for work. Old life as an editor is back and, although tired and spread thin, I’m loving being on the road.

I’m meeting and working with entirely new people, short timeframes, tight deadlines, etc.

Somewhere along the way I was reminded powerfully of the old adage “Fake it until you make it” and how true this is for this blog and my life right now.

I was reminded again about the power of confidence. The power of you being you and letting the rest sort out.

A big part of me wants to leave in the part here were I write “Oh I know you are probably sick of hearing about this but…”

BUT you know what? If you aren’t interested in what I’m saying you will have probably stopped reading by now. I have no control over that. I can just do my thing— or “thang” depending on my mood.

Still here? Great…

Taking leaps

I’m finding myself continually drawn back to the theme of leaping. Of trying to be bold. Accepting being a little afraid yet pushing forward anyway and smiling. Not for outward display but to remind yourself to try to enjoy the process.

Maybe it was finding out the producer with whom I’ve been working is about 6 years my junior. I’ve been obsessing over her opinion of me, wanting to make a good impression, and I suddenly realized that her terseness isn’t negative judgement as I so feared… it is trust.

She is letting me be because she deferring to me and my ability.

Maybe it was having a (oft-had) conversation with my cameraman which goes something like this:

“Can you believe they are paying us for this.”
“Nope. Feels like we are getting away with something. Most days I’m just making it up”
“Me too.”
“I keep waiting for someone to figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Me too.”
<shared laughter>

Which brings us back to confidence and pushing forward with guts.

Guts Driven

Historically, I have been guided by one thing: I like what I like.

I’ll try new tastes, smells, textures and revisit things that haven’t wowed me in the past— I know my palette is changing — but I’m a guts-driven person in my taste.

I shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to admit it. I shouldn’t be fearful or wary of letting that guide me in my pursuits, be it work, travel, love, or this blog.

Here’s the deal:

I like my coffee strong.

I like learning about different places, people and ideas and a a fantastic turn-of-phrase.

I like my beers dark.

I also like challenges, travel, achieving a faster run and longer bike, naps… and an untold number of little happinesses that make life more full.

How do all those things fit together in one cohesive blog?

Me.

This is my creation. And if I have anything to share to the greater world it is this:

You are your own best creation.

Inspire yourself.
Inform yourself.
Invent yourself.

Enjoy the hell out of being you.

I need to be reminded of these things every day too. I need to keep building my confidence that I am in control of my direction and, most of all, I am worth it. I am still leaping. I am still learning.

Welcome to my journey.

 

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